Trust Starts with You
ďI have a hard time trusting people.Ē ďI never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife).Ē It is very common for me, in my work as a counselor, to hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. Itís about you become a trustworthy person with yourself and learning to trust yourself.
BECOMING TRUSTWORTHY WITH YOURSELF How often do you promise yourself you are going to do something and then donít do it? For example, we often promise ourselves to: * Get the taxes done on time. * Catch up on email, phone calls, and other correspondence. * Eat better. * Drink less alcohol. * Stop reckless spending, gambling, or whatever puts us in financial distress.
* Stop getting angry. * Stop giving ourselves up. * Lose weight. * Get more exercise. * Get more sleep (or sleep less). * Get together with friends. * Clean up the house, or clean up the clutter. * Be on time. * Watch less TV or spend less time on the computer. * Meditate or pray.
* Take time for ourselves. * Finish a project. * And so onÖ. If you promise yourself you will do something and then you donít do it, you are not being trustworthy with yourself. This would be like promising a child something and then not doing it. Eventually the child would learn not to trust you. The same applies with your Child within. If you promise yourself Ė your Inner Child Ė that you will take care of yourself in some way and then you donít do it, the Inner Child learns that there is no inner adult to trust. Since many of us project onto others our own inner issues, it is likely that if you are not trustworthy with yourself, you will project untrustworthiness onto others.
You will continue to distrust others as long as you are not behaving in a trustworthy way with yourself and with others. TRUSTING YOURSELF Many of us grew up with parents who did not trust our feelings and perceptions. We might have been told that what we felt and what we experienced was wrong. Mother: Put on a sweater. Itís cold outside. Child: Iím not cold. Mother: Youíre just a child. What do you know? Put on a sweater. Mother: Go give your Uncle Sam a kiss. Child: No, I donít like Uncle Sam.
Heís creepy. Mother: Of course you like Uncle Sam. Now go give him a kiss. Child: My teacher is really mean to me. Father: Iím sure your teacher is very nice. If your teacher is mean to you, it must be your fault. Child: Daddy, why are you angry at me? Father: Iím not angry. After a while, we learn to discount and mistrust our feelings and perceptions. We learn to give our authority away to our parents and other adults, deciding that others must know more about what we feel, want and perceive than we do.
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